BlackQueer Heal

Did It Dawn On Me Or What? The Day I Broke Up With Regret

I was sitting in Wal-Mart’s parking lot maybe a year ago, and my beloved disintegrated into cyber heaven. As I sat in the car’s passenger seat, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I had not actively worked on my online site for a few months, so charging it back up always delivered emotions of excitement and uncertainty. UrbGasm represented my heart, mind, and soul also my instability to know exactly what I wanted out of my creative life. I talked about a little bit of everything on there. When it first started, I was interviewing influencers of my neighborhood and just trying to find my way to the core of everyone’s passion, including my own. Well, almost 11 or so years later, I am standing in my classroom with not one regret. And that is major for me.

Regret was my everyday thought process. I regretted things I didn’t do, things I didn’t accomplish, and most definitely things I did that resulted in bullshit ass outcomes in my life. I toiled day in and day out about how much of a failure I was. I kept that broken record on repeat and lived every day trying to rectify my mistakes, even those I had only made moments before. I apologized too damn much. I constantly thought I had to do it correctly, especially for whatever situation I was in, to be accepted. I had to do it just the way they wanted it to, not make any more mistakes that would lead to a shit load of regret. Talk about a heavy burden to carry. I always tried to fit the mold of those who needed me to be that perfect lover they always envisioned. I lived most of my dating life as a regretful chameleon as someone who never led because who I was, I figured, was not good enough. So I allowed myself to get beat down to a pulp. I didn’t have the backbone to stand on at all. I regretted the love I didn’t make, the muscles I didn’t possess, the dick I wasn’t born with, and the money that was not in my bank account because all of those would have allowed me to keep “that woman.”

Regret was my everyday story. All I could talk about was what I had lost and all the shit I gave with nothing in return. Damn! But when I opened my browser this morning and saw great things happening for everyone, I sat back and asked myself, what the hell are you waiting on? I allowed my demons of regret to rob so many years and joyful moments of my life away. My January challenge was to push myself to the max in every area of my life, thus setting the tone for my entire year.

Today, I broke up with regret and deleted every thread we had ever shared. Today and every day this year, I will be reborn into a new light of love and self.

Leave a Comment