I knew it, but I didn’t want to admit it. Portions of my life were not being healed because I decided to hide in the shadows of dishonesty. However, at night, especially the lonely ones, I felt it and, I mean all of it. Why was it that I could feel, interpret, and hold healing space for others regarding love but unable to access my complete truth when it related to my own?
I started to feel the devastation and humiliation as the layers of emotional brokenness peeled themselves back right before my eyes seemed unbearable at first. Who was I? For real! I sat down on my bed and began to weep. The uncomfortableness of absolute truth can break you down. I guess that’s why some of us avoid it the way we do. Still trying to understand my behaviors, I knew the moment I started to suppress my nights with alcohol, something was around the corner. And I thought I had that under control as well. I said to myself, as long as I didn’t get drunk, I would not lose self-control or a connection I held very dear to my heart. But why was I back here again feeling empty, unfulfilled, and just downright full of shit.? It had been months, almost a year, that I’d been intentionally trying to get my shit together. This time last year, I was in a pretty fucked up mess if you asked me. Talk about putting in the work. Ugh.
So, here it is, the end of May 2018, and I’m dumbfounded at how oblivious I was to regressing instead of progressing this month. I allowed so much B.S. energy into my space and extreme neglect of my wellness on my spiritual journey that I felt utterly disconnected from myself. I became too concerned with being the right kind of lover to everyone else but myself (again). I pulled away from the journey and became spiritually lazy. I didn’t want to be too deep and scare people away. I wasn’t engaging in spiritual conversations either. I didn’t do better when I knew better. I looked for all sorts of affirmations and comforts from external sources and didn’t think to go on the inside of myself to get it. I started to compare who I was with the world and what I didn’t have, equating it to my value and “progress” of getting my shit together. I started to try to impress others for love verse improve myself for my self-worth.
But in that truth, I am not afraid to admit it now. All of the good and the bad are essential parts of the journey of BECOMING. The depths that we seek comes with levels of truth being revealed. I am grateful that I’ve learned how to hold space for myself when it comes to forgiveness and acceptance. I don’t reject any part of the steps or process. Because of those steps, I can be here right now, standing at another level of my complete truth. I don’t think I would have it any other way.
Be gentle with yourself, but always seek to live in your absolute truth. There is no need to hide behind people or things.